I am in a bit of an odd place. My Father-in-Law passed
Monday, January 11, 2016. He had been sick with various issues for the last few years. His life had it's series of up and downs like every ones does. He was the oldest child of his 5 siblings...One sister and his parents passed before him. We had gotten kind of used to the hospital routine with him...he always rallied and recovered nicely while admitted to the hospital, only to go down hill when he was left to his own devices at home. He was a proud man, wouldn't accept help from his sons or anyone until he was in dire need and he had no other choice. We had gotten used to this...To say he was a tough old bird is an understatement. His last "big" hospital admission his mother and sister, both who are passed, came to me. It was a little odd, I never knew either of them in life. His sister explained to me that this time around for her brother was very difficult. She asked that I help him to not be afraid of "death" and talk to him. His mom asked that I help him to be unafraid as well. I told them both, I will but, he doesn't like to talk about his death and frankly, we don't really talk that much in recent days. His sister said to me at that point that he would be coming "home" soon. I told my husband and thought how weird the message was but then, we went about our days doing the same routine....visiting him in the hospital...he would then come home and then ended up being admitted again shortly after that...it was the routine we were used to and familiar with.
He was on dialysis in the end stages of renal failure, among other problems...he became a shell of the man he used to be. He called me on New Years day to ask if I could drive him to the doctor's office to have shots in the spine for chronic, unrelenting back pain. I thought, what the hell? He never called for help, and much less from me! To call either one of his sons wouldn't have surprised me as much, but me...his daughter-in-law? I had offered till I was blue in the face to help him with anything he needed, as we all did. He had never taken anyone up on the offer...but now the tides had changed and I was asked to help. OK, perfect I thought...maybe something will come up and we can talk about what his mom and sister had asked of me a few months back. I showed up to take him to the doctor's office and we chatted the whole way there, about a 20 minute drive and then about 15 more minutes waiting in the doctor's office. I did notice, he was very reminiscent about everyone he had lost and his life in general. I listened mostly but talked when I got a chance. We had a good visit but much to my own upset, I didn't get to talk to him about not being afraid of death...our conversation just never went there. I decided that hopefully, just by being with me he had received some kind peace. I hoped that was the case. Otherwise, I had failed miserably at the one thing I was asked to do by spirit. My husband called to check on him that night and he was doing pretty good. We went about our next 7 days without much worry or thought of anything changing within our world.
He went to the doctor on Thursday, Jan. 7th. He had a episode of passing out and was taken by ambulance from the doctor's office to the ER. We were not aware he was in the hospital until Sat the 9th. Why, you may ask? Well...he wasn't going to tell us, and often times would tell people he had talked to us when in fact he hadn't. I think this must have just been his memory going, not intentional. We heard, from my sister-in-law his reason for being hospitalized, which was the same as always. He was expected to rally and recover as he did every other time. There was even talk of him going home on Monday, Jan. 11th. So, Monday started for me as it usually does, getting up and making sure the boys were up and ready for school....I was at the kitchen sink getting ready to make a cup of coffee when I see him, my father in law , popping into my minds eye!! I thought, why am I thinking of you this morning? Then my phone rang...it was my husband. His brother had called him at work and told him their Dad had coded 3 times that morning and they had brought him back but he wasn't expected to make it much longer. Everything started to click, why I had seen him that morning and also that it was very possible that what his mom and sister asked me to do had nothing to do with helping him to overcome his fear of death before his time came. It was about actually helping him to transition calmly and being unafraid by everything he was going to be encountering.
It did feel very surreal as it was all happening. He would be with me for a few minutes and then it was as if he faded out for a few minutes and then he would come back, this went on for about 30 minutes. He asked me in the very beginning of this exchange why and how was I talking to him? I explained to him, "this is what I do." He had no prior knowledge of what I do, so to say he was a bit surprised, would be totally, 100% accurate! He then gave me the "look"....that look of, "Oh, now I get it....now I understand you. It makes sense!" To say that I was happy with his response would be a very true statement. I was trying to get to the hospital as fast as I could. I told him that he didn't have to fight anymore and he could go, all he had to do was let go, there was nothing to be afraid of. I told him, his mom, dad and sister were waiting for him and would help him to go the rest of the way"home". He said to me at this point, "Get here!" I have to think he meant to the hospital so I was there with my husband. I told him I was going as fast as I could! He then says, "tell me if you can still see them when you get here." I feel like he was seeing them and was just kind of surprised and shocked. I think he actually was starting to see them as his fear was going away and I think they must have looked like very faint or wispy images of themselves. I think this was why he was still holding onto his silver cord. He also did want his boys to have their support systems by their sides, I'm sure of that. I just said, OK. Now was not the time to tell him I didn't have to be there to see them. I parked and raced up to the floor and there were so many people inside and outside his room....3 people I knew...my husband, brother- in-law and sister- in- law and various doctors and nurses. Also in the room, waiting patiently and quietly was spirit,many of them. His Mom, dad and sister to name but a few. As I walked toward my husband, I looked at my Father in law's body laying there in the bed. He was hooked up to a ventilator and there were IV's and lots of syringes and other remnants of item used in the attempts to bring him back to our plane of existence. As I looked at the shell of the man I had know for the last 20 years....it was very obvious, he wasn't in that rundown and broken shell anymore. I said to him at that point....."they are here, waiting. You can go." He then looked at me and smiled and walked towards his family and never looked back. It was such a beautiful experience and I am so thankful I was able to have it.
Does it make my grief any less? I can't say, we all grieve differently and that grief...is important. Initially, I had some conflict over whether or not I did the right thing. I mean this man had rallied and recovered every time. When they thought he wouldn't. My husband had told me that when he was fading in and out(so when he was "out" with them, he was "in" with me and when he was "in" with me he was "out" with them) at one point if they ( the medical team) could have gotten a certain body system stable they were talking about getting him hooked up to the dialysis machine. This only added to my anxiety and fear over the fact that maybe, I had stepped in and done something I wasn't supposed to. As soon as those thoughts began to invade, my intuition or higher self would kick in and remind me. You work for spirit. You did your job and although you are powerful, as is every one, you did not control his passing. You helped him, you made it smooth. You did exactly as you were asked to do. I know this is the truth. Nevertheless, I am still human and I grieve. It breaks my heart to see my kids cry for their grandfather, and even though they were not terribly close,it is still a hard loss for them. I grieve for my husband who no longer has a dad on this plane. Even though I feel a little confused and foggy, I am aware it is grief that I am feeling so deeply within my own heart.
I am so very thankful for this last gift he and his family decided to give to me. The chance to help him pass with grace and be unafraid. I needed to get this out, so a blog post seemed appropriate. If there is a lesson or an experience to take away or remember from this I would say its to not take anything for granted. We don't know which day will be our last for our current incarnation. Express your love to one another and don't hold back. You are here and you are important to those who love you. Oh, and it is a really good idea to talk to your loved ones and let them know where the important papers are and also what you want done with your human shell when you are ready to make the transition home. That makes the process of it all so much easier. Hope you find this post helpful. Angel kisses ;)
